Does that sound like an oxymoron to you? If you think only gay guys can enjoy anal sex, you’ve got it all wrong. Straight men are taking the plunge and loving every minute of it!
Come on guys, it’s time to stop calling everyone you don’t like an “asshole” and start loving the one you own. Our Puritanical heritage comes down the hardest on this neglected part of the body and we remain a nation of “tight asses.” As long as the anus is seen as dirty and disgusting, we will never discover the sexual pleasures of this wonderful erogenous zone.
If the anus is one of your tension spots, including anal play along with masturbation will not only heighten your experience of orgasm, but it will relieve chronic anal tension that can contribute to hemorrhoids, colitis and fissures which are small tears in the rectum. The first step in beginning to explore your anus is to actually look at it. Many people go through life without a visual image of their sweet little rosebud. Or maybe you’ve looked at it only when something was hurting or you feared there was a problem. In order to see your anus, you will need a mirror and a good light. There are several positions like standing and bending over, sitting or kneeling. Be creative and get a good look.
I believe this exercise is as important for men as my genital Show & Tell ritual in the workshops is for women. When a woman examines her genitals, her anus just naturally gets included, but still we have to make an effort to see it clearly and to stop thinking it’s an undesirable part of our bodies.
The anus is formed by folds of soft tissue with a puckered appearance. Everyone has hair in this area. The tissue is usually pinkish or beige unless it’s irritated and then it can be bright red. Does your anus look comfortable and relaxed? Or does it look tense and neglected? If we all had the opportunity to see a thousand assholes, we’d be able to see the difference between one that is happy and one that is angry. Since you will have little or no comparison, just get a sense of how your anus reflects your own life. Anger, fear, frustration or hurt can be held in your poor little butthole. As you’re looking, have an imaginary conversation with your mother and see if you can reclaim your anus from all the toilet training and negative messages you might have gotten when you were a small child.
There is nothing basically dirty about the anal opening. While feces have bacteria, most of the organisms are harmless. Fear about anal germs is the result of all the negative messages we get from a society that basically loathes or fears the human body, especially the waste products like feces and urine. A recently evacuated bowel has less bacteria than the average mouth. Most of us wash this area without any special love or care. Every time I wash my anus, I remind myself to have a loving thought about it. We could at least have some gratitude for all the pleasant bowel movements the anus has given us. The exquisite feeling of emptying the lower colon is every bit as erotic as having an orgasm, yet we hardly ever mention it.
Using some massage oil, I lightly oil my cute little puckered friend and touch around the entire area. By tensing and releasing the pelvic floor muscle, I see how much movement I can feel. Along with the perineal muscle that supports the space between the anus and the genitals, there is the pubococcygeus or PC muscle which is attached to the front of the pubic bone and at the rear of the tailbone. The PC muscle contracts randomly during sexual arousal and rhythmically during orgasm. The tone of this muscle affects our erotic sensations in the pelvis. By consciously contracting this muscle, I can enhance my orgasm.
The same is true for men. They can use the PC to enhance the quality of their erection and also influence the timing of their orgasm. Several men I’ve known learned to use this muscle to keep their erection after having an orgasm. Instead of your penis going soft, you can tighten and release the PC muscle to pump the blood back in and voilá, no 30 minute refractory period.
Once we are familiar with our anus, slow finger penetration during a self-loving session will ultimately show you its erotic potential. There are two sphincter muscles inside the anus and once they are relaxed, penetration is sensual. Your breathing is as important as tightening and releasing the PC muscle, so breathe down to your asshole and then let everything go. After having several orgasms with a finger in your anus, you’ll be ready to graduate to butt plugs. They are especially designed for anal play and have a flared base that keeps them from slipping away into the night. Once a butt plug is in place, you can work the PC muscle and start pumping up some major pleasure. Every time I have an orgasm with anal penetration, I know I’m coming with my body, mind and soul as I pull my orgasm up from the center of the earth. Since it requires a special mental attitude of trust, I usually save my anal play for special occasions.
One of my friends, a heterosexual man in his early sixties, has gradually developed a love affair with his anus. Throughout his sex life, he’d always enjoyed a woman’s finger in his ass during oral sex, but it never dawned on him to do it for himself when he masturbated. In his fifties, he began to let go of the idea that sexual intercourse was the “real thing,” and masturbation was what you did when you couldn’t get laid. He began to pay more attention to his love affair with himself. When he included anal penetration with a very small butt plug, he soon discovered that his orgasms were becoming more intense. He also started using cock rings which held the blood in his penis for a longer erection. He’s now using such a large butt plug that I’m impressed.
He describes his one or two hour self-loving sessions as: “Something for all my senses.” Porn for his visual, sweets for taste, incense for smell, jazz for sound and his own hands for touch. After joining him for one of his elaborate masturbation sessions, I asked if his anal play had made a difference. “Yup,” he answered, “It opened me up to myself. My orgasms are better now than when I was a young man chasing pussy all the time.”
One of the benefits of aging we seldom hear about is the joy of sex with ourselves without any reservations. As we get older, some of us get wiser and can decide for ourselves what kind of sex we prefer. Masturbation with anal play is not something I do on a regular basis, but when I’m in the mood for a big orgasm, out comes my electric vibrator and the lavender butt plug. These days, I’m into low maintenance relationships like Jack-Off Buddies. This kind of light hearted sex is about having fun on my own terms. Happy anal orgasms!
Written By, Betty Dodson, Ph.D.